


If love is weakness, Luthors are strong, right? Right?

by HerSweetMockingMouth



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Big Sister Alex Danvers, But Lena is scared to go all the way, F/F, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Lena Luthor Needs a Hug, Lucy being a little Shit, Our two cinnamon rolls love each other, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Kara Danvers, cue Alex and Maggie as the best soundboards ever, non-graphic mention of past sexual assault
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-19
Updated: 2018-06-20
Packaged: 2019-05-25 13:01:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 16,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14977679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HerSweetMockingMouth/pseuds/HerSweetMockingMouth
Summary: Kara’s hands were bracketing her girlfriend’s ribcage, fingers just brushing the swell of her bra. Lena’s back arched as one hand anchored itself in blonde hair, the other gripping the quilt to her side. Eyes clenched tighter as lips mouthed in a hot breath over her stomach, dragging lower, and lower, moisture right above the elastic as Kara’s pink tongue traced —“No, no, I’m sorry I can’t. I can’t. Stop.” Lena’s back returned in a slump to the bed, and the quilt breathed deeply, released from the death grip of a pale hand.Lena felt breath cross her stomach again but its exhalation read with resignation instead of lust. A forgiving kiss right below her bellybutton.“It’s ok, Lena. Really. We’ll take as long as you need.”----Kara and Lena adore one another, but something is holding them both back from really letting go in love.This two-shot is their journey of discovery and healing.





	1. If Love is Weakness...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In “Echoes of Our Own Lives,” an interview by David Koehne, Raymond Carver says about writing: "You are not your characters, but your characters are you." I'm not Lena, and I'm certainly not Supergirl, but a lot of what they'll be thinking and feeling over this two-shot are echoes from my own life. I hope you won't begrudge me the space to process a little! 
> 
> Note: This chapter has a non-graphic (but still emotionally heavy) memory of molestation as child. Don't read if this triggers you!

ACT ONE

Kara’s hands were bracketing her girlfriend’s ribcage, fingers just brushing the swell of her bra. Lena’s back arched as one hand anchored itself in blonde hair, the other gripping the quilt to her side. Eyes clenched tighter as lips mouthed in a hot breath over her stomach, dragging lower, and lower, moisture right above the elastic as Kara’s pink tongue traced —

“No, no, I’m sorry I can’t. I can’t. Stop.” Lena’s back returned in a slump to the bed, and the quilt breathed deeply, released from the death grip of a pale hand.

Lena felt breath cross her stomach again but its exhalation read with resignation instead of lust. A forgiving kiss right below her bellybutton. 

“It’s ok, Lena. Really. We’ll take as long as you need.”

The pressure on Lena’s left leg and pelvis lifted as a body rolled off her to the side. Kara left little kisses back up her torso but avoided any erogenous zones. Nose now nestled in dark hair, Kara wrapped an arm over Lena’s stomach, and snuck the other between Lena’s neck and the pillow: “I love you. It’s ok,” anticipating what came next.

“No it’s _not_ , Kara! We’ve been dating for 6 months. I should be able to do this by now!” Lena’s left forearm had covered her eyes, but Kara could spy furrowed brows as the CEO let out a frustrated huff. She knew if that arm was lifted, hints of salt-water would be in the corner of green eyes. How, you ask? Because this was the third time this week they had tried to have sex and every time it ended the same way. 

It’s not that everything failed. It always started with laughs, and teasing eyes, wandering fingers. Kara and Lena would trade heated kisses as they stumbled their way down to the bedroom through Lena’s penthouse hallway. Inevitably, there would be another minute or two spent against a wall making out as neither could wait the 10 seconds it would take to walk from the living room. Finally, what seemed both an instant and an eternity later, they would find themselves shucking shirts and jeans, not remembering how they got there to crawl onto the covers but straining to keep their lips together all the same.

Lena and Kara clearly had no problem kissing. In fact, their whole relationship started with a kiss. Well, with a threat, really, but the kiss was its happy result.

  


_Lena stayed over after game night. Alex and Maggie had abandoned their spots next to her a half hour before, claiming they “really need to water the bonsai trees in Maggie’s apartment. No really, they have a very strict schedule!”_

_...Like anyone in the room believed that one._

_Though, on second thought, Lena was pretty sure Winn had. She couldn’t decide if it was true innocence or willful ignorance of the — extremely active, if game night goodbyes revealed the norm — sex life of the woman he considered an older sister._

_But, Winn aside, they were fooling no one. Right as Alex dragged the smaller woman through Kara’s apartment door, Lucy shouted “we get it, gotta keep those bushes wet!” prompting a peal of laughter (clearly Maggie) in the hall and a disbelieving groan from James, now hiding his face in his hands. Kara’s eyes were very visible, however, and very large. Lena let out a laugh at the blushing alien by her feet._

__

_“I’ve gotta say,” she grinned wickedly, “your sister has developed quite the enthusiasm for botany since she met Maggie.”_

_Lucy’s lips mirrored hers from the other couch. “Oh yeah, I think a lot of their free time is filled with HORticulture now.”_

__

_James, just emerged from his facepalm, fell right back into it. Winn, however, perked up from beside him —_

__

_“You mean like they joined a gardening club or something?”_

_Kara leapt from her spot on the floor—_

__

_“NO! Uh, no. I’m pretty sure they,” she glared at a snorting Lucy, “practice their horticulture exclusively with one another.”_

_(“Ok, my angry alien, sit down.” A hand dragged Kara into a slump beside Lena, then patted her head sweetly. “Lucy may deserve your lasers but that leather jacket is too pretty.” — *cough*gay*cough* —“Hush, Lucy.” —*it’s_ heat vision* _muttered a grumpy Kryptonian)._

_Tossing her arm over a James slumped bodily into his folded arms, Lucy snickered._

_“And on that note, James and I are headed home too.” She helped the much taller man navigate standing. “We have our own pastimes to practice.”_

_Lena, never one to miss an opportunity, seized it — her focus flickering just slightly at a Kryptonian head nuzzling against her bicep. “No need to wander far Lane. Maggie and Alex have the bushes covered, but we still need a few arborists in this group.”_

_Lucy caught the reference like an eagle with a mouse._

_“Oh,” a salacious grin erupted, “I definitely enjoy studying wood, Luthor, don’t you worry … but I also like a trip to the fairer side of botany every once and a while.”_

_Dark eyebrows raised in a lazy smirk, “you don’t say?”_

_Lucy had morphed from eagle to wolf. “Oh yeah, for sure. Let me know if you ever want to come over and view my prize orchid.” One lurid wink later, Lucy had led her still-groaning companion to the door — but in a hesitation rare to Lucy’s nature, she spun a last time: “…Unless you’d rather come see it with us tonight?”_

_Lucy’s eyes were locked on the CEO in a palpable dare, and James sprung from his hiding in sudden panic._

_Lena just laughed. “Some other time maybe.”_

_Lucy’s intensity cooled into amusement and just a hint of disappointment. “It was worth a try, right?” And with that, a conflicted James was steered out the door (“can’t tell what answer you wanted more, eh big guy?” drifted in a chuckle down the hall)._

_Still laughing, Lena turned back around only to find her blonde friend had slipped into a trance. A zoned out Kara wasn’t odd but the brooding frown definitely was. Anxious hand to her knee, Lena slid closer. “Are you ok, darling? Too much to drink? Headache?”_

_Kara flinched at the contact, inexplicably red at the tip of her ears again. “Huh? Oh, uh no. I’m, uh, I’m fine” she stuttered. “Just thought I heard something.”_

_Lena lifted her hand from Kara’s knee, hesitantly tucking a strand of honey-blonde hair behind an ear instead. “If you say so.”_

_Kara’s eyes searched Lena’s, the brunette’s hand still hovering centimeters off a pink cheek._

_*Cough*_

_“Uh, guess I’ll just be going then.” The girls startled at the forgotten boy. Oh! Right. They rose to gather scattered game pieces (Winn brought Pandemic and Carcassonne for the night) and abandoned plates (“What ungrateful heathen left the crust?!” all remains quickly disappearing into Kara’s mouth), culminating in an awkward cluster by the sink. Winn walked the remaining steps to the door. “Need a ride Lena?”_

_Kara grew fascinated by the floor._

_Lena snuck a glance at the alien.“No, I’ve got a driver on call when I need him.”_

_Apparently the floor said something to make Kara flush happily._

_“Ok, well see you tomorrow Kara. Lena, till next week.”_

_“Maybe in a couple of days actually? We could grab lunch? I’d love to talk about the ideas you had on LCorp security. I’ve done a rework myself already, but a fresh set of eyes could help me work out the kinks.”_

_Winn lit up. “Yeah? Yeah! I’d love that. Just hit me up, you’ve got my number, right?”_

_“I’ll get it from the group text. Thanks, Winn. You’ll hear from me soon.”_

_With a boyish grin and a hop, he was out the door._

_Lena turned._

_“So, wanna hang out a little longer? We can watch something on Netflix?” Kara’s offer radiated with warmth, warmth that Lena had accepted more and more these last few game nights. But tonight, Kara’s glow seemed partially dampened by an odd accompaniment of … vexation?_

_“Yes, I’d like that.”_

_Making their way back over to a couch, they each settled into a side, Kara lifting her legs to tuck a blanket around them. As the alien picked up the remote and started searching, (“Great British bake-off? No? Um… Star Trek?”), Lena grew certain she had missed something. When 30 seconds had passed and Kara still hadn’t looked at her Lena chanced it._

_“Kara, are you sure you’re ok? You seem a little …” Lena searched for the words. Kara just kept flicking through her queue. “…off.”_

_…Nothing? Ok, she’d try blunt._

_“Did I do something to upset you?”_

_That made Kara spin quickly — “no!” Quieter; “no, no you’re perfect. You didn’t do anything.” She was flushed again and fixed on the screen. Lena rescued the remote from what looked to be an accidental but imminent destruction. Relieved of the device, Kara turned to the navy blanket instead, messing with the loose weave in the corner._

_…“Then why aren’t you looking at me?”_

_Kara blushed and glanced up. “It’s just -“ she smoothed out the blanket, “I know everybody was kidding around but …” — words tumbled out in a precipitous rush: “are you actually interested in Lucy?”_

_Ah._

_Lena’s lips twitched. “Kara, love, Lucy was just teasing. That girl is head-over-heels for James.”_

_The avalanche of words continued._

_“No I know, it’s just, I don’t know, would you be interested? Hypothetically? Because Lucy is gorgeous, and badass, and you’d have to be crazy not to - or - but I mean - “_

_Lena’s mouth had fully regained that natural upward tilt Kara loved as it offered an angelic chuckle._

_“…I mean are you— or do you think you might even be” (was that a “golly” under Kara’s breath?) “interested in the,” (then in an audible squeak), “in the_ two _of them?”_

_Kara sat hunched, eyes fixed on the couch. Lena didn’t know if the girl was even aware that her finger had abandoned its assault on the blanket and was instead tracing idle designs on Lena’s nearby and naked foot. But Lena was aware. She was aware that it made her hot and shivery, and distracted. And she couldn’t afford distracted right now. This was starting to lean towards a conversation they’d been hovering around for weeks and there was no way she was going to let James “I-Don’t-Trust-Her” Olsen play any more part in it than he had to._

_Lena pulled her foot away, then tilted Kara’s chin till their eyes met again._

_“Kara, I promise you, I am not the least bit interested in Mr. Olsen. And while polyamory is a beautiful thing in many ways, it’s not really my style.” She smirked and let go of Kara’s chin. “Luthors aren’t good at sharing.”_

_“… And … Lucy?” Kara’s head stayed fixed. “You didn’t actually answer before.”_

_Lena took a moment, unsure how to proceed: took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I mean, you know I’m fluid. And Lucy is a lovely woman. Beautiful, tenacious, intelligent. Unintimidated by assassination attempts,” Lena chuckled wryly. “Frankly, we would probably work well in another setting, another life.” Kara’s eyes flickered away but Lena shifted, craning to get back in her field of vision. “But we’re in this one, Kara. And I can assure you, in this life, Lucy and I will only ever be friends. Friends who tease, sure. But just friends.”_

_Their eyes remained synced, for one, two, three more seconds. Kara reddened and looked down; looked up again in the genesis of a smile._

_“Ok.”_

_“Ok?”_

_“Ok.” And with that, they were back to normal._

_And as normal, fifteen minutes later found them grappling on the couch for the recovered remote._

_“Kara NO. I will not watch The Last Unicorn with you again. It was creepy. The freaky woman… tree… THING was terrifying. I don’t care that you loved it when you came here (damn you, Alex), I. Will. NOT.” Kara just laughed and dangled the remote even farther over the side of the couch, Lena reaching uselessly._

_“Lena come onnnnn. It’s a cinematic masterpiece.”_

_“It’s animated, Kara.”_

_“It’s ART, Lena.” Kara waggled her head in what Lena was sure was mockery because really that movie was trash, and “Kara, I swear, if you do not give me that remote right now, so help me God, I will use every ounce of my Luthor intelligence to take it from you, and the Luthor/Kryptonian feud will reach heights Lex could never dream of.”_

_Kara._

_freaking._

_giggled._

_“I mean it, Kara! Give it to me” Lena growled anew, pressing against Kara’s slanted knees. One hand shoved between Kara’s side and the back of the couch in an attempt for stability. The other strained for the controller in Kara’s freakishly long arm._

_Trying to keep her balance, Lena had the sudden realization that she was mere inches from Kara’s laughing mouth. Her next revelation was that she’d been staring at that mouth for far too long, and she jumped up to the blue orbs instead._

_Big mistake._

_It was like they were lit up by, what was it Kara said? By Rao himself. Like the light of her lost star had been synthesized and smuggled into the two irises of a small child in a pod knocked off course._

_Kara’s laugh held, but there was something shaky and new in the blue. A provocation. Some trepidation, sure, but also so much care, and a deep knowing. Those eyes looked into Lena’s soul, and lips just a breath away opened, a soft but oh-so-smug voice sauntering out …_

_“… Make me.”_

_Lena’s arm went lax in amazement. Had she really just…?_

_Her stomach crashed into her pelvis with a heady_ whump _._

_Half a second later, the remote was on the floor and Kara and Lena were kissing for the very first time. They kissed for the second time about four seconds after that. And again. And again. And again till half the night was gone, necking on the couch like the teenagers neither of them had really gotten to be. And Kara decided that at that moment, in all those years of darkness, in all her awkward years of adapting to a new world, in all her fear and hiding and trying to fit in — in that moment, somehow, she finally felt at home._

  


Kara and Lena had no problems kissing. 

What they had trouble with was sex. 

Or, honestly, not even that really. In the past few weeks, Kara had no problem reaching orgasm, and Lena had no problem taking her there. With her fingers. With her mouth. With her jean covered thigh, thrusting into the apex of Kara’s legs by the wooded-edge of a paintball arena ( _“Ug, KARA my EYES” from a writhing Alex_ ). In one incredible feat of sexual prowess, Lena had even made Kara come with just dirty talk (“ _Rao, Lena, say it again” from a gasping alien_ ) and an enthusiastic lunch-break familiarizing herself with Kara’s nipples. Every time Kara saw that white couch in Lena’s office, she’d go a little shivery in her supersuit; the fabric suddenly too rough against the fast-hardening nubs. 

Kara _loved_ it when Lena made her come. 

It was when the positions turned that problems began. 

  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


ACT TWO

  


A few days later, Lena and Alex were seated on the patio of Grit (Lena really just couldn’t face this conversation at Noonan’s), one black coffee and one jasmine tea in hand. Lena had been messing with the cardboard insulator on her cup for easily 3 minutes, and Alex had spent all 3 growing increasingly concerned. Finally, Alex shot her hand around Lena’s. “Stop. Just stop. Tell me what’s going on. …Oh God, are you breaking up? Wait, OH RAO, are you going to propose?!”

Lena’s face softened at the panicking agent. “Those are two very separate extremes, Alex.”

“I know, I just have no idea what you’re about to say and it’s making me nervous.”

Lena allowed herself one more fidget, and took a deep breath. “I‘ve been having trouble with Kara … in the bedroom.”

Alex flushed, but, to her credit, didn’t freak out. “Is it her powers? I thought that red-sunlamp was working for you guys. Oh no! Did she break the new mattress frame? I _told_ her Ikea wouldn’t hold.”

“No, no the bed is fine. ” 

“… And what about the curtains?" 

A suspiciously long pause. 

"How are those 'flame-proof' ones working out?” Alex winked. 

Lena gaped. How the… ? [Never say a Luthor is slow on the uptake].

“DAMMIT DANVERS, I’M NEVER LENDING YOU MY AMAZON PRIME AGAIN.”

“Hey, not my fault your search history was so detailed! Maggie’s a detective, LEE-nuh. She _detects_."

Alex grinned smugly across the table. 

Lena glared. 

“So if it’s not the bed and it’s not the curtains, what is it? Spit it out, Luthor.”

Lena just crossed her arms.

Fine. Alex was a professional. She’d wait her out like a good interrogator should.

…

…

You know what, fuck it, that was Maggie’s thing. **“LENA.”**

“Fine! Fine. It’s not the powers. Kara’s great. It’s - It’s me. I’m having trouble _letting_ Kara do anything.” 

Alex’s brows rose in confusion. “You mean like…” a hand waved vaguely around her zipper. 

“YES, Alex. Like that.” 

Alex flushed a little but moment by moment, like someone with a box, you could see her putting the “my little sister is getting some” away, and taking out “my friend is trying to tell me something.” This is why Lena loved Alex. For all her goofing off and hasty trigger fingers (both literal and metaphorically), Alex was a good man in a storm. People always assumed she would freak out about things, but Lena had found the opposite to be true. If you gave Alex the chance to really be there for you, she showed up. 100% of the time. 

“Do you know why?”

Lena exhaled darkly over her tea. 

“I don’t know. We’ll be doing fine, kissing, everything normal. But then, she’ll want to go further, and I just start to get … anxious. It’s like this physical presence, overshadowing me. And the closer we get to her actually touching me anywhere … important, the more it descends on me and I feel like I can’t _breathe_ , and. I don’t know Alex. I really don’t know.”

Lena held the topless cup close, the scent of crushed flowers alleviating her starting-to-clench lungs. When she finally opened them, Alex’s face was looking at her so kindly Lena thought she might whimper. 

“Can I ask some questions?” Alex ventured. Lena nodded. 

“They may seem — you know what, just roll with me. Number one. Are you sure you’re into women?” 

Lena snorted. “100%.” 

The agent grinned. “Just wanted to be sure. It took me a while to realize what I wanted, you know. Who’s to say it can’t go both ways? Ok, Two. Is it possible you just aren’t in to Kara?” 

_What?_ — “No! No, she’s everything. And have you seen her b- I mean, she’s - wow - yeah - just - no. I am _very_ attracted to Kara.” 

Alex was flushing again, but her eyes also held such an earnestness. “That’s great, Lena, really. …But I would still be your friend, just so you know. And so would Kara. It’d be weird, but we’d all still be here. You’re stuck with us, kid.” 

Dammit, Lena could squeeze Alex right there. But talking about sex with the woman’s sister kept her in her chair. 

“Three. Have you ever had sex before?”

A singular sculpted eyebrow rose. 

Alex rolled her eyes. “Yeah whatever, Miss _“I figured out my sexuality before my late 20’s”_. Diva. I meant have you really, you know, _enjoyed_ sex before. Or had it with someone you loved?”

Lena paused. Unsurprisingly, she had earned a bit of a reputation with the media in visiting her fair share of clubs in Metropolis. And Lena could talk a mad game. But truly, she’d only been intimate with a handful of people. There was Veronica, back in boarding school, but that was more of a teenage rebellion/exploration thing. Jack, in uni, and she’d never been as into him as she wanted to be. Then the others, well, they were more alcohol fueled than lust, really, and from what she could recall, she hadn’t felt particularly overcome. LuthorCorp _had_ run a line of interesting toys through a subsidiary company but Alex probably didn’t mean…?

The agent pressed on. Silence was answer enough. 

“I see. Ok, this next one you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to but, have you ever, … _not_ enjoyed sex before?”

“You mean like I didn’t come? Isn’t that the same question?”

“No. I mean, like, has sex ever been” Alex hesitated — “… bad for you.”

Oh. That. 

Lena’s hands clenched, jasmine tea sloshing a bit through the iron-work table. “You’re right, I’m not sure you’ve earned the right to ask that question, Agent.” ( _Fuck, why did I say that, earning wasn’t what I — and she’s only been a friend to me the last few — but, Christ, Alex you couldn’t just—)_

Alex’s hands had lifted, palm forwards. “Lena, you came to me, not the other way around. And I promise I don’t want to push you anywhere you don’t want to go. But I know your home life wasn’t exactly normal in the Luthor household. And even if that was fine, women everywhere have experiences, even in the safest places, or with who they thought were the safest people. It’s not something to be ashamed of, if it’s happened. But it is something to work through.”

“I haven’t been…”

“It doesn’t have to be rape to count, Lena.” She flinched, and more tea spilled, this time on her shoe. Lena flicked it onto the flagstone, busy thumbing a decades old rolodex in her head. There were plenty of moments she would call uncomfortable, sure, but honestly, she’d just filed them under “perils of being a precocious child surrounded by businessmen.” 

Alex was still talking, palms open on the table. “Or, experiences don’t even have to be sexual to impact that area of our lives. Words have a lot of power. Or patterns — how we were taught to handle the things we love, or the things we hate. Or things that happened repeatedly. Like Eliza saying I was responsible for Kara’s safety. It took _years_ for me to learn that it didn’t have to be at my own expense.”

This was too much, and she was starting to feel a bit panicky again. Lena took a shaky sip. Thank heavens for good tea. “I … think that gives me enough to think about.”

“Have you talked to Kara about any of this?”

“Yes, somewhat. My feelings in the moment certainly. My frustration. But it always seems too emotional right after to try to brainstorm reasons. And then later, it feels too awkward to bring up. Or, she tries I guess, but I feel awkward.”

“Talk to her. She’s the one who will be with you in the moment. And she loves you. She’d want to be there if you do find anything you need to … process.” Alex’s face grew a shade conflicted. “Um … and if you ever want to talk about recovering from … things. I don’t want to share for her but Maggie might be a good person to talk to. And she cares for you too, you know that.”

“… Thanks, Alex. That means a lot. I’ll consider it.”

Alex reached out and took Lena’s hand loosely in hers, squeezing it for a moment. Lena squeezed back, releasing as she tipped her head back to feel the sunlight. That was enough for today.

Later, as Alex waved goodbye from her Ducati, Lena realized they’d spent the last 30 minutes debating the least-annoying celebrity baby names instead of going over the laser-gun designs she’d brought as a “sorry I made you think about your sister’s sex life” offering.

Surprisingly, she didn’t think either of them minded. 

  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


ACT THREE

  


Lena worked up the courage to talk to Kara two weeks later. It was a Saturday and both of them had slept in late. They hadn’t tried to have sex the night before, just kissed and fooled around a bit and when she woke up wrapped in slightly-above-human-temperature arms, Lena felt like the world fit in her bedroom, and the whole world was beautiful and kind. 

Dammit. Other than her bladder. 

After using the restroom, Lena wandered into the kitchen. Saturdays, the ones where they both didn’t have work or superhero duties, were pancake days. Whoever woke up first started the batter and the coffee, and today, Lena found she treasured the duty. A Kryptonian in cupcake-patterned pajamas was in her bed and soon, she’d get to see that sleep-tussled head come out nose first, drawn by the scent of syrup, batter, and bacon. It was one of her favorite sights. Don’t doubt it, she loved Kara in Supergirl gear. And she loved Kara in her tight skirts and high ponytail, buttoned up for another day at Catco. But Kara in pajamas — maybe it was because Lena was the only one who got to see it. But it was like a side of Kara just for her. 

On that note, Kara’s nose had done its job, but her brain clearly hadn’t quite caught up because when the sleepy blonde emerged, she wasn’t walking, but floating. Lena snorted. Ambling over, she tugged at Kara’s wrist, kissed it at the soft spot right on the inside. 

“Darling, wake up, and come down. I want to kiss you.”

Her eyes didn’t quite open, but she smiled beatifically, drifting down to just centimeters off the floor. Good enough. Lena got on her tiptoes, just tall enough to reach, and set her lips soundly against the Kryptonian’s. Little by little, Kara’s lips started to participate until mouths opened, and Lena felt a tongue flick over the inside of her mouth. Laughing, she pulled away. 

“Pancakes, love, and then you can get back to that.”

Breakfast was sunlit and delightful, Bob Dylan singing low in the background.

After a climactic and watery finale to their dishwashing (“Kara, no!”), a grocery run, and ice cream with Alex and Maggie after the couple’s trip to the fertility clinic, Lena and Kara were cuddled back on the unmade bed, sun dipping low in the large bay window. Kara was on her back, limbs flung everywhere, while Lena was curled facing the window, head nestled somehow between Kara’s shoulder and chin. Kara smiled thinking over the day — practically perfect in every way. 

Which was why she was surprised when Lena’s heartbeat picked up. She tilted her head a bit, trying to see down to those green eyes: they were tightly shut. “Lena?”

Lena nestled her nose further under Kara’s chin. Lightly kissed the neck there. Kara stroked her back but the heartbeat continued to race. 

“Kara? Can we talk?”

She drew her companion closer. “Of course. Are you ok?”

“I want to talk about sex. About the trouble we… that I’ve been having.”

Kara wished she could see Lena’s eyes, but the brunette’s grip was tighter than that fluffy four-armed animal back on Krypton whose name she’d forgotten. She almost got distracted trying to recall, but Lena’s presence pulled her back to reality. She settled for stroking her back again. 

“Can I just talk for a bit? I … I want to get it all out before you respond.”

Kara felt a little worried now. “Yeah, of course, babe. Whatever you need.” She wrapped bodily around the brunette and Lena took a deep and satisfied breath. The alien had figured out Lena’s desire for pressure in anxious moments early on but Lena had gotten embarrassed the one time Kara pointed it out ( _“I handle it just fine on my own, Kara”_ ). The blonde knew now to just give it without comment.

“Ok I’m ready. But take your time. Whenever you’re ready.”

Lena took a few breaths, pulled the arms tighter, then began. 

  


  


_“Oh, hey Lena.”_

_“Hey Alex, sorry to turn up out of the blue. I was, uh… is Maggie here? I was hoping she and I could chat.”_

_Alex’s mouth dropped into a perfect ‘o’ as she exhaled. Just as Lena was about to apologize and turn around as quickly as possible, Alex smiled._

_“That’s really great, Lena. I’m actually just headed out! To…. the store, yeah, uh love the store you know, gotta get those fresh greens and um, grapes before they’re out. I really like those grapes. You know the ones that are … green?” Alex rambled, eyes getting bigger and bigger with every word. Lena couldn’t help but laugh, especially when she spied Maggie at the table mouthing “what the f-?” with a baffled shake of her head._

_“Thanks, Alex.”_

_Suddenly she was in the woman’s (wow, toned — nice job, Alex) arms. Lena allowed herself the warmth for a moment before stepping back. With a swift kiss to Lena’s temple, Alex was out the door. The brunette glanced at a confused but smiling Maggie, now headed towards the kitchen._

_“Can I get you something to drink? Water? Beer? I could put on coffee?”_

_“Yeah, water would be lovely.”_

_As Maggie shuffled around in the fridge looking for the Brita, Lena could hear a muffled “ice?”_

_“No, no that’s fine, just the water.” (I’ll have to tell her about the assassin-spiked ice in my office refrigerator sometime)._

_With that, Maggie opened the cabinet to grab two glasses (Lena tried not to laugh at Maggie on tiptoes to reach them), filled them, and put the pitcher away. Turning around with both in hand, Maggie looked unsure for a moment._

_Oh! “Anywhere is fine, couch maybe?”_

_Relieved, Maggie set the drinks on the coffee table, settled herself cross-legged in the far corner, and patted the couch with a grin — “well come and join me, Luthor. I’m not gonna cuff you or anything.”_

_Lena snorted. “Yeah been there, done that Detective. I’m not scared of you anymore,” She wandered over and curled up tightly opposite the woman. “…not since I learned you watch Saturday morning cartoons.”_

_“Excuse me, those stopped in 2014. (Tragic. Thank goodness for Netflix, Maggie thought) And whatever, Power Rangers are the shit.”_

_A little more relaxed, Lena tried to open her body posture a little._

_“So … did Alex tell you about our conversation the other day?”_

_“She told me a little yeah. I hope that’s ok.”_

_Lena nodded. Finding herself messing with a worn National University blanket, she almost rolled her eyes. Why did so many big conversations happen on couches? She forced herself to stop fidgeting._

_“I wanted to talk with you about,” she couldn’t help the need for air as she hesitated —_

_Maggie helped her out. “Trauma?”_

_Lena nodded again. But it seemed like that was all the help Maggie was willing to give, and silence began to stretch again. At least she was smiling kindly. Lena wondered if Maggie had to do this often with her job; walk into homes after disturbances and try to coax frightened women out. With a shake of her head, Lena told herself to stop comparing herself to battered women, this was hardly the same._

_“I,” licking her dry lips, she remembered the water and downed almost half of it in gulps. “I don’t really like that word. I don’t know, some if it was so long ago, it feels like I shouldn’t even remember by now.”_

_“Well I’m assuming you do if you’re here. Maybe just tell me what you do remember. We can figure out together what it is.”_

_Rao, Lena thought, if I nod again (she was), I’m going to turn into one of those horrible doggy dashboard toys. Pull it together, Luthor. She straightened._

_“I was fairly young when the Luthors took me in. Even then I was a prodigy.” Uncharacteristically, Maggie didn’t tease her for the statement, just winked. Lena smiled gratefully. “…Lillian despised me from the beginning. Maybe I was too much like Lex, like Lionel. Maybe she thought I was a threat to her precious boy, I don’t know. But after a few weeks, it was easy for me to stop looking for her to be a mother, especially having only known a mother previously. Lillian wasn’t even in the same category. She would … ‘correct’ me a lot, my manners, my loudness. Tell me I was lucky to be there and I should act like it. Or she’d ignore me, if I was lucky.”_

_“She sounds like a bitch.” Maggie muttered, and Lena laughed in surprise._

_“You’re not wrong. At the time though it didn’t make me mad, just … sad. But again, I learned quickly that earning her love was probably impossible. I tried a few more times in some more impressive moments of hope growing up, but mostly I just stayed out of her way. Instead, I looked to Lionel.”_

_“I thought you and Lex were close?”_

_“Oh we were, wonderfully so in time. And he was kind from the beginning. But it still took us a while to really get to our thick-as-thieves stage. I was smart, sure, but it took a few years for me to get up to speed on the things that would interest a young and genius boy — science, mechanics, explosives.” Maggie snorted and Lena grinned. “Yeah we really got up to it in the coming years. But at first, we really only had chess. It took time for us.”_

_“And Lionel?”_

_“Lionel was everything Lillian wasn’t. Generous, affirming, warm in his own way. He was gone a lot, of course, or in his home office, but he always let me come in if I was quiet enough. I would read books in the corner. He even got me my own chair, this leather armchair just like the one in his study, in miniature. God, the thing probably cost a grand on its own now that I think about it. Anyway, I’d read, or design (another snort — “Luthors don’t color, Sawyer, we scheme”), just to be near him. Just to feel… wanted, you know?”_

_Maggie’s toes crept across the cushion and snuck under Lena’s legs. It felt as good as a warm blanket and tea._

_“Eventually, he even let me stay when there were … men over. Business partners, or investors, whatever it may be. He let me keep reading in the corner, and he’d say things like ‘Lena’s smarter than you Richard, she can stay. She’ll be my eyes and ears for anything I miss, right lovie?’ It made me …glow, every time, and no one ever seemed to mind, probably too afraid to piss him off. They’d just smile or compliment me. Eventually, fath — Lionel — (Maggie seemed to smily sadly at her slip) would even pull me over to his side of the desk, let me read contracts with him, or point and say ‘does that seem like a fair interest rate to you?’ I obviously wasn’t any real help at first, but occasionally I’d say something he could jump on for an edge. ‘See, even the pup knows you’re getting by with too much. I’m sorry, that number just won’t do.’”_

_Maggie watched Lena stiffen — she could practically see the armor settling over the soft places, over her heart. They were near to it then._

_“Soon, Lionel started having me read the contracts before him. He’d … leave me in the room, tell them that I was his first level of defense. Their first Luthor to convince. It confused me at the time. He never had me stay with the businessmen he had something on. I knew the names and faces by then. Even if I didn’t know the man, you could read it on them — there was this desperation on the ones who wanted something. Like cologne, you could smell it. See the beads of sweat at their collar. But these weren’t those men. These were slick, comfortable, clearly confident in their power. They smelled like expensive whiskey or aftershave, not panic. But if Lionel wanted me to look at their contracts I’d do it, right? Because he trusted me.”_

_Lena had hit a wall. After evaluating for a moment, Maggie scooted to the middle of the couch, tentatively setting her right hand on Lena’s knee. When the woman didn’t flinch, Maggie settled her left arm on the back of the couch and leaned her head against it. “Keep going,” she murmured._

_“…I remember the first time it happened, a man lifted me up on the desk. It was this heavy oak thing, far too tall for me to sit on without clambering. I didn’t think anything of it. He handed me the contract. My legs were dangling between his. I was… looking over it and his hands sort of settled on my knees. I thought he liked my dress. He was stroking the velvet across my thighs, or messing with the lace at the hem. It must have been near Christmas. It was the green velvet with the white lace. I remember because the lace at the collar made me itchy but Lionel said it made me look ‘like a little girl should’, so I told Rosa it was my favorite._

_I… I saw a number I thought maybe I could talk him down from. I’d done it before with other contracts, and Lionel had always laughed like he was impressed. I wanted to show him I could do it with the confident men, not just the scared ones. So I looked at him and said ‘I think we can talk this rate down, can’t we?’ He said we could look at it, but instead of taking it back from me, he … he swung my legs to either side of his knees and reached his hands up underneath my dress, right where my thighs met my, my underwear, and just lifted me down onto him. I remember the skirt of it was pushed to my waist, and there was hardly any space to look at the paper between us. I was embarrassed because I could see my - my underwear, but his hands were still there, sort of under me now, they were — they were under the fabric, on both sides, and he … pulled my hips towards him, just as his pushed up. ‘Go on, tell me what you think it should be’ he said and I … I didn’t know what to do. So I just talked numbers as he … he started to groan a little bit, he kept sort of … rocking into me? And I could feel this pressure against … against me, you know? But I just kept talking. He told me I was … heavier than he expected a little girl to be and that his belt felt tight around his stomach with my legs there, so could I ‘take it off for him, there’s a good girl.’”_

_Lena took a shuddering breath, trying to capture some of the suddenly thin air, and Maggie’s hand got tighter on her knee._

_“I had my hand, my hand_ on _him, on that open buckle when Lionel walked back in. I was so scared. I wasn’t sure why but I was. Like I’d done something wrong. Messed up the contract. Something. But he just came in, and put his hands under my arms, lifted me off of -- he smoothed my dress down, and then sat at his desk like everything was fine. ‘I trust you and Lena were able to negotiate new terms for the contract?’_

_‘Yes, she proved very adept for such a young thing. Precocious.’ And he did up his belt again like it was totally normal to be unzipped in my father’s office. (She hadn’t meant to say father, but God, it was like she was back there again, and was she shaking? Lena couldn’t tell if she was shaking, or the world was)._

_‘That’s my girl’ he said. And then he looked at me, told me that will be all, and I walked away.”_

_Lena felt like she was underwater. “I negotiated a few contracts for different men, even a woman or two, like that over the next few months, until Lex found out. I heard them shouting behind the office doors after I’d told him. It was so stupid, I was actually bragging, Maggie. Not about … but Lillian had just said something about my ineptitude, I’m sure, and I was upset, and I wanted to prove that I could be a Luthor. That I counted too, you know? So I was being a little prig, and I was telling Lex that Lionel would want me to take over the family business one day, and that’s why he had me look at all the big contracts._

_I thought Lex was going to be mad, or push back like he sometimes did. But he just froze. He asked me what contracts I had worked on and I told him a few. He must have had some idea then, God," Lena's fingernails clenched into her own arms, "maybe even some experience, Maggie, because he asked if… he asked if any of them had ever been with me alone, and I told him yes, many times._

_Ten minutes later, he and Lionel were shouting it out in the room, and when Lex came out, he had blood coming from his nose. It scared me. He took my face in his hands and told me that I would never be allowed to negotiate a deal alone again. Lionel stormed out while my face was still in his hands, and Lex sort of shifted so that he was between us. But I could see Lionel’s eyes, and they were … furious. He didn’t talk to me for a month after that, and I was never brought into another meeting in that office again._

_At first I was mad, Maggie. I was so mad. I thought Lex was trying to take something from me. I even, Christ —” Lena’s eyes widened as she remembered for the first time in years. “I asked Lionel if he needed me once when an investor came in. I actually asked to help!” She laughed but her mouth wasn’t smiling. “But… a while later, I got it. What Lex had done for me. And I … I was thankful.”_

_A beat later, Lena lifted her gaze to find Maggie’s head still propped on her arm, crying quietly. Just a few tears, but Lena had no idea what to do. She hadn’t meant to … Lena reached out and brushed one drop off Maggie’s face with her thumb. And like that, the dam broke and Maggie surged forward to take Lena in her arms. But maybe it wasn’t Maggie crying, maybe it was Lena, because she realized her shirt was wet. And the woman just held Lena, rocking her for several minutes. Lena cried, God, her forehead ached with the pressure of it. Her ear was pressed up against Maggie’s sternum, and Lena realized she could hear the heartbeat thrumming strong and steady underneath. It was the only thing she could hear, other than a rushing growing, louder and louder in her skull and she squeezed her eyes shut, scared she’d pass out. Things calmed slightly. She could hear Maggie saying something. Maggie was coaching her to breathe, ‘just like me Lee, come on now. In on one two three four, and out, two three four. That’s it. One two three four, and out, two three four.’_

_At some point Alex had come back and she was frozen between the kitchen and the sofa, one hand wrapped tight around her own body, the other wild in her hair. Her and Maggie’s eyes were locked in a sort of communication but spots were dancing across Lena’s vision and she couldn’t translate._

_Lena blinked and tried to breathe. She wasn’t a child. She wasn’t helpless. She was grown, she was grown, she was grown. And Lionel was dead. And Lex was in prison. And Lillian was god knows where. And Lena was breathing. Just breathing._

_Some time later, Lena found herself sandwiched between two bodies on the bed. She couldn’t even find it in herself to feel embarrassed. She was too tired. That night, Maggie shared more of her own story and Alex stroked Lena’s hair the whole time. When she finished, a couple more tears coursing her face, Maggie just looked at Alex over Lena’s body, eyes so mournful. And then an arm was pressed into Lena’s back as Alex arched over her, her free hand taking Maggie’s face as she carefully pressed her lips to each drop. Maggie smoothed one off Alex then, with her thumb, and they just smiled at each other and laughed. If Lena wasn’t so drained, she’d certainly feel the interloper, but God, they were so beautiful together. Broken pieces that somehow found their perfect match. Or maybe not. Maybe it’s just that they worked every day to fit._

_As they all settled in for the night, Alex turning off the light, then tossing one arm over Lena’s back in the dark, Lena found herself praying (Please, Rao, if you exist, I can’t lose another sibling. Not after Lex. Rao, please. Please don’t let me lose this family…)._

  


By now, Lena and Kara were lined up eye to eye, curled up like two parentheses. But one of those parentheses was shaking and it wasn’t Lena this time. 

“Kara, Kara are you ok?”

Kara’s eyes were squeezed shut and while she wasn’t crying, she was panting slightly, biting her lip so hard, Lena was scared Kara may actually bleed. 

Lena stroked her hand over the soft honey hairs at the blonde’s temple, thumb resting in the dimple of bone between brow and hairline. When the alien’s eyes finally opened, they were an impossible blue and flashing with something dangerous. Lena felt her heart rate increase. 

“…Kara?”

“Lena I — Rao, I never thought I would say this but, (she muttered something in Kryptonian), those men Lena, those people, I’m so angry I could KILL them. Right now.” And Kara’s face showed a remnant of wet, but if there had been tears, they had stopped. Now it was ice. It was steel. Steel shivering in rage, and Lena tried to gather every bit of that tremble in her arms, but Kara was so _long_ and —

“Lena, I love you so much. So so much. And I don’t want you to think for a moment that I’m mad at you. I’m … I’m having trouble controlling myself right now, and I - I think I need to go - go do something, I need to let this out somehow. But can you just stay here, can you - don’t move - I’ll be right back I just need to - ” and with a slight, wide-eyed nod from Lena, Kara burst with a cry from the bed, disappearing in a rush out the suddenly opened window. 

Lena, left behind, curled in a ball, pulled a pillow over her head with just a crack to breathe through, and waited. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first ever work -- I would love comments of encouragement, feedback, ideas for offshoots of this story you would like, or even if it just meant something to you!
> 
> And, totally off topic, but this video is ROCKING MY WORLD. You should all check it out haha: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7MsXwbZvE58


	2. ...then I don't want to be strong.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara and Lena adore one another, but something is holding them both back from really letting go in love.
> 
> This two-shot is their journey of discovery and healing.
> 
> //
> 
> As Supergirl, Kara could crush entire mountains with her fist. But right now, she felt as powerless as that girl in a pod.
> 
> And she wanted to scream because, this time, it wasn’t a collapsing magmatic core that threatened her world. It was one twisted woman and her twisted philosophy. Because Lillian was wrong, Kara was certain of it. El Mayarah. Stronger Together. If she knew anything, it was that.
> 
> So Kara pulled the quiet woman tighter against her chest, calling on every ounce of faith she possessed. She’d already watched her first world explode. Kara refused to watch the next.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all this is gonna get a lot worse before it gets better. Not only will Lena have some revelations about her hangups, but Kara will be confronted with hers as well. 
> 
> I'd caution you to especially be careful if sexual assault is a bad trigger for you. Nothing graphic, but the topic comes up again. Particularly, Lena trying to process how it impacts her relationship with Kara, and how to pursue freedom: her ideas are not going to please Kara one bit. 
> 
> With that said, this chapter ends positively, and with a good dose of love-making. If you want to avoid that, Act 7 will still feature a conclusion, and you can just skip Act 8 which has THE act, if you know what I mean ;)

ACT FOUR

  


Ten minutes and two crushed mountains in northern Canada later, Kara was back. Her skin still held a bit of frost and she smelled like ozone, snow, and gravel. When Kara landed inside the still open bay window, Lena was right where she left her; curled up on white sheets with a pillow clenched around her head. It was dark now but the Kryptonian was bombarded with information — she could see the muscles that fluttered with tension. She could hear the erratic contraction of lungs. Could smell the sweat.

Kara took a deep breath and made herself relax. More tension would be of no help to the trembling human. Kara crept onto the bed and lifted the pillow a centimeter. 

“Lena, baby, I’m sorry. I’m back.” She scooted the pillow up till hands were revealed, obscuring a face. 

“I’m sorry I left. I just, I didn’t know how to - I’m here. I’m here.” 

With a feat of inhuman strength, she hefted a curled Lena into the air, backed her own torso into the headboard, and tucked the lifted body into the circles of her arms and legs. Then with utmost precision, she started to squeeze.

 _Pressure_ , Lena realized. Kara was giving her pressure. And with all the magic she refused to admit, muscles began to relax and breathing became inexplicably easier. So did anger.

“You _left_ me.” 

The accusation pierced Kara’s insides like swallowed Kryptonite. “I know, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, baby. I won’t do it again. I won’t do it again. I’m here.”

Lena let herself be held several more minutes, trying to corral her hurt. She’d known this was a possibility. Ever since the RedK incident, Kara had been afraid of her anger, of any sharp emotions. It must have been horrible because Alex still clammed up about it (never quickly enough to hide her wince) and Kara had once _literally_ flown away when she asked. 

But she did know Kara had almost deserted National City in the aftermath. 

“Kara, you can’t leave me like that. Not after I — I need you here with me. I need your love for me to be greater than your anger at —.” 

Kara just kept murmuring I’m sorry’s into her ear and after a moment, Lena understood this tight embrace wasn’t just about her. She slid an arm around Kara and squeezed back. 

“It’s ok, Kara. Just… be with me now. Stay. I love you.”

Half an hour and a (ice-free) water break later found them finally unfolded beside each other, Kara’s thumb brushing Lena’s cheek.

“Thank you for telling me, Lena.” Lena hummed. Dropped a kiss to the digit.

“Kara, it’s not just that. I mean, that’s a lot, but there is more.”

A tentative nod. “Do you want to talk about it now?”

“It’s less specific. It’s just, growing up in that house, desiring _anything_ was — well it was sort of like the one luxury we couldn’t afford. Desire, love, it was considered a weakness. Bad for business. If you desired something, it could be exploited. Lillian was very invested in helping me and Lex to understand that. 

If there was a housemaid I got particularly close to, she’d be gone the day after Lillian found out. Or … Lex found this injured squirrel once. We hid it for a full month nursing it back to health. We called it Phillip. I have no idea why.” A chuckle of warm nostalgia. “But God, we doted on that thing. It would eat from our hands! Lillian … she found it one day. She didn’t just let it go, Kara. She had the groundskeeper _crush it_ in front of us. It was … brutal.”

Kara’s rhythm on her cheek held but Lena could spy the tension in her jaw. Lena wasn’t sure how she felt about it — Kara’s hatred of Lillian. Those lessons may have been harsh, but they were the only evidence Lena had that her adoptive mother might have actually … cared. It was twisted, but Lena couldn’t shake her subcutaneous pleasure at knowing that Lillian was just trying to arm her for a vicious world. Not a typical motherly gift, but had Luthors ever been typical? 

“I learned two things from her. 

One, if you can choose not to love something, do it. Kill your darlings yourself, before someone else can. It hurts less.

Two. If you cannot choose whether to love something, never _ever_ let them, or anyone else, know. Because the moment your love is known, it becomes a weapon for your own destruction.” 

Lena made a subtle noise of realization, and Kara kissed her forehead.

“Honestly this was my mistake with Lex. I loved him so much and Mother knew it. He was everything in that house to me. The only thing worth it. So she sent me to boarding school. And even after … everything … that happened with him, Lillian could still use him. His memory. The loyalty I felt. Every time I’ve come close to joining her in her mad quest, it’s because she’s used his name. God. You think I’d know better. She certainly taught me better than that.”

Lena rolled on her back. “…Did you know, once, I actually thought I was about to have a normal relationship? She was beautiful, smart, & just unsure enough that I had to work for it. We’d been on a couple of dates. A few kisses. I was infatuated.” Kara traced a finger down the inside of Lena’s arm. 

“And it was _Jess_ who was suspicious the whole time. I was so angry with her, Kara, truly it’s amazing the woman still works for me. But she looked into her anyway. Found a non-company email account and a contract. She’d been hired by RohrTech to, to … seduce me,” Lena spat. Kara’s hand was splayed across her stomach, a soft weight. “It’s why I moved from Metropolis.” 

“So that was only —“

“Yeah, about 18 months ago.” 

“Oh, Lena.” Kara’s body slid infinitesimally closer.

A dark head turned from the ceiling to look Kara in the eyes. 

“I think I have a problem … _wanting_ , Kara. It’s how I lived my whole life really, until National City. Solitary, controlled, and every time I think things are changing, that something really belongs to me … the world reminds me that love is only a weapon you turn on yourself.”

The back of her finger traced Kara’s cheek.

“I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life. Yet I’ve never been more terrified because —”

Blankets rustled as Lena pushed herself up and readjusted, turning herself on her side to face a blinking Kara. She slid a hand under the edge of the blonde’s shirt, simply holding it against her stomach.

“You know, Lillian would think us the perfect allegory for this entire philosophy? A human …” she nudged her nose again Kara’s, “… in love with a god. I can _hear_ it. Exactly what she’d say. _‘How could that story end in anything but destruction._ ’”

The hand slid around between two scapulas as Lena lined her body up against Kara’s own — her forehead pressed against the alien’s sternum. A breath puffed out against her chest. 

“And Lillian may be wicked, Kara … “

The Kryptonian pulled her almost painfully tight. 

“ … but that doesn’t mean that she’s _wrong_.”

As Supergirl, Kara could crush entire mountains with her fist. But right now, she felt as powerless as that girl in a pod. 

And she wanted to scream because, this time, it wasn’t a collapsing magmatic core that threatened her world. It was one twisted woman and her twisted philosophy. Because Lillian _was_ wrong, Kara was certain of it. El Mayarah. Stronger Together. If she knew anything, it was that.

So Kara pulled the quiet woman tighter against her chest, calling on every ounce of faith she possessed. She’d already watched her first world explode. Kara refused to watch the next. 

  


  


  


  


  


  


ACT FIVE

  


  


A burst of engine parts slammed into the opposite wall as a fist appeared through a suspended Camry. 

“Whoa, Supergirl, what’s eating you?!” Lucy shouted as she scrambled out of the way. Then smirked, “or not eating you.” 

Wrong move. 

Instantly, Lucy found her self pinned to the wall by her throat, a snarling beast inches from her face. With a panicked check for red eyes, Lucy gained only a measure of relief at the confirmation that this wasn’t a drug-induced rage. She supposes she should have known: while suspended by her throat as easily as that Toyota, the alien had somehow avoided actual pressure on her windpipe. 

“Whoa, Kara, easy easy! I’m sorry!”

The fire smoldered to coal, looking more lost now than angry. The beast, progressively more reminiscent of her blonde friend, removed the offending hand and Lucy hit the floor in a slump. 

Kara had turned slightly away, whether in shame or to control her anger, Lucy couldn’t tell. Maybe just to protect Lucy’s dignity as she slowly reclaimed use of her limbs. “Sorry” drifted to Lucy in a quiet huff.

“It’s ok. My bad. I didn’t mean that to be … whatever it was.” With a hand gently massaging her throat, Lucy ventured, “do you want to … talk about it? Oh God,” a bewildered major tried to catch another glimpse of the Kryptonian’s face “are you crying?”

“NO,” another snarl. ( _Don’t cower. Don’t cower. Don’t cower, Lane)._

“Ok, take it easy.” Lucy spoke as soothingly as she knew how, hands aloft in the air. “It’s just clear that something is really bothering you. I know things were a bit … awkward between us at first. But I’m your friend Kara. I am.” The alien’s breathing slowed and Lucy crept a bit closer, gingerly evading a ruined carburetor. 

“…Is it something going on with Lena?” Another flash in her eyes, but still no red. And the teeth remained covered, to Lucy’s deep relief. Were they _sure_ Kryptonians didn’t have fangs? “It’s just,” Lucy risked a few more inches, “she’s really the only subject that can get you this upset. Well, her or Alex being in danger…” the Major tried for a placating smile, “and I know for a fact that Alex is sitting behind Winn right now throwing fries at his head. So it’s not her.”

The blonde’s shoulders slumped in defeat. Ok, Lena then.

“Look, we don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. But if you do… sticky bun is on me.”

Kara was clearly unsure, but sticky buns were the ultimate weapon against any Kryptonian, so Lucy waited it out. 

“Um, can I shoot a text before I answer that?”

“Uh, yeah, sure,” Lucy answered, mildly bewildered. 

  


_Kara knew they had just had pancakes yesterday, but after last night, she figured indulging again wouldn’t hurt anyone. She had also made a fruit salad and a spinach omelette, just in case Lena felt differently. As she finished flipping the 29 th pancake (she could eat a lot, alright!), Lena stumbled in, hair tussled. Rao, she was beautiful. Kara felt her heart swell, just looking at her. But her heart also tripped a bit, remembering last night. Kara tried for normalcy, “hey babe, up for some breakfast?” Lena blinked and made her way to the set table, picking up a glass of orange juice. Bringing out the last of the pancakes, Kara snuck the omelette out of the covered pan. They started to eat in silence. _

_Finally, Kara spoke up. “I feel like we left some things … unsettled last night. Are you … up for more conversation?”_

_Lena sighed. “Honestly, I think I need a bit of a break.”_

_Kara was clearly uncomfortable still._

_“Look,” Lena moved her leg under the table until it brushed up against Kara’s. “I, I know I laid out some… hard things last night. And it may take us awhile to figure out what to do next. So … if you need someone to talk to, I just want you to know that’s ok.”_

_Kara eyes widened in surprise. “Lena, I don’t want to make you feel—“_

_“No. It’s alright. You say that now Kara, but I know you. You’re an outward processor.” She grinned softly. “The morning we woke up after our first kiss? The first thing you wanted to do was fly to Alex’s.” Kara started to protest but Lena pressed on, “or when you told Maggie before you told me that you thought you were ready to go all the way, just because you wanted advice on how to make love to a woman?” “But—“ “And how Eliza knew just a little too much about my history to have been gathered from the papers?”_

_Kara looked on the edge of ashamed, and dammit, that wasn’t what Lena meant at all. “No, it’s ok Kara. Really. It’s one of the things I love about you. You do everything in community. It baffles the hell out of me. But it’s cute. And I know you. I know you’re going to want to talk about this. So, I want you to know that it’s ok. Besides, Alex and Maggie know some already.”_

_“Are you sure?”_

_“Yes.”_

  


A blue bubble appeared as she hit send. “What if it’s Lucy?”

Three dots appeared immediately. And hovered. And hovered. And hovered. Kara bit her thumbnail. 

A grey bubble now: “Surprising.”

Another came soon.

“It’s fine with me.”

Kara looked up at the petite woman still reflexively rubbing her neck. “I want two.”

Twenty minutes later and one head slap to Alex (“Ow, Lucy, what the hell!” “Leave Schott alone or one of these days he’ll file a workplace harassment suit against you. And you know how Pam would feel about that.” Alex looked around in panic for the HR head. Winn grinned and shot Lucy a thumbs up. She rolled her eyes. Little brother indeed) they were sitting at a corner table in Noonan’s, a sticky bun and a half in front of one and a latte in front of the other. The adrenaline from earlier had finally left her veins and Lucy was in her typical post-mission state: caffeine-hungry, and slightly turned on.

_Breaking news update: Make that 2/3 of a sticky bun on the table._

Ok, A) Lucy hated that news updates always starred Lois’ voice in her head. And B) Christ. Chipmunk cheeks filled with food and Kara _still_ looked like a Greek Goddess. Was this really the same raging beast from earlier? She, Alex, and Lena should really get together for another meeting of the Neglected Siblings; Lucy needed more non-metabolically-perfect humanoids in her life. 

“Ok, Danvers. Spit it out.” Kara looked up in panic. “Not the sticky bun you goof, what’s on your mind.” Chewing and swallowing, Kara reached for a napkin to wipe that perfect sheen of sugar off the cupid’s bow of her still glistening lips, opening slightly as she — 

_Breaking news update: Major Lucy Lane experiencing technical difficulties following near-death scare._

_Shut it, Lois._ (Lucy snuck a text to James under the table: “You’re lucky we agreed to keep Supergirl off our Celebrity Pass lists.” 10 seconds later: “Lol, love you dear, tell Kara hello” with a kiss emoji. God, her man was perfect.)

“Lena and I have been having some trouble in the … bedroom department.” 

Kara’s sudden rose-hue made Lucy grin wolfishly … “you can say sex, Zor-El, we’re all adults here.” 

An eye roll. She’d definitely picked that up from Alex, Lucy thought. Needed practice though — a bit more pizzaz. 

“Ok. _Sex_. We, uh, she has no problem doing … the sex” (Lucy coughed up her sip of latte) “thing to me, but every time we’ve tried to make it about her, she panics.”

Oh, this was a little more serious than Lucy expected. She tried to muffle her remaining efforts to remove the coffee from her lungs.

“Yeah?” (a wheeze) “Have y’all talked about why?”

“Yeah …” and here the rage from earlier reappeared. “Lionel,” she practically spat the name and Lucy realized she was thankful the man was dead, if not for his reputation, then so she didn’t have to prevent a murder today. But Kara was still speaking. “Lionel used to … _use_ Lena to convince businessmen to lean contracts in his favor.” 

Ah. Lucy had wondered it before, honestly. It wasn’t that Lena cowered when talking about business deals: the woman was a shark. But she always held an odd sort of disdain for people with the same job title as she. Like she hated being in their number.

Lucy loathed that she was right. 

“And on top of that, their house was just… twisted. Lena wasn’t allowed to love anything, to want anything. She was trained that desire was weakness. If you had something you loved you either convinced yourself to hate it, or you killed it before someone else did.” Matching sets of frowns crossed the table, one in bewilderment, the other in unfortunate familiarity. 

Lucy abandoned her demons for a sudden thought: “Do you think that’s why Lex attacked Superman?”

Kara shrugged. “I’ve wondered, honestly.” Huh. Well that certainly put a new spin on things. She wondered if Lois had — never mind it didn’t matter. Lucy pulled them back on track. 

“Anyway, so you think that all of this has added up to your sex issues?”

“It’s not just sex, you know? The sex is like this blatant physical representation of her psychological reality. Like, I know she wants it, we’ll be really in it, and she’s,” the alien flushed “clearly enjoying herself, but then we get a little lower and bam. We’re done. Just like that. She says it’s fear. That everything she heard about love being weakness resurfaces, and she’s too scared. It’s tragic and it makes me so _mad_ Lucy. So mad at her — I won’t even call them parents — because she can honor and embrace my desire so easily. But the moment she has to face her own…”

Lucy hummed in sympathy. “Have you all talked at all about … how to get past that?”

Kara shrunk in on herself, fork suspended limply over the remaining mound of sticky bun. 

_Nine days had passed and they had avoided the topic. It was clear there was more to say, but Kara didn’t want to push Lena before she was ready. She’d spent years in the Phantom Zone; she could wait however long her lover needed, right? So they took things easy. Cheered at a a DEO softball game. Made coq au vin. Absolutely dominated in game night charades. Lena took a weekend trip with Maggie, and Kara and Alex visited Midvale. When they both returned, they traded stories and kisses like Halloween candy. Lena dove into a new project at LCorp and Kara felt like she was learning how to appease Snapper. And even on days they didn’t see each other, their timely (and sometimes dirty) texts felt as good as kisses._

_Honestly, those nine days had felt like a reminder of why they connected so well in the first place. Lena soaked it all up like sunlight, and Kara had been thrilled at her increasing reanimation. Things finally felt like they were back on track. But all tracks have destinations, and they both felt they were approaching one. They found it on the National City Boardwalk, heavy with the scent of churros._

_“I’ve been thinking about it and I know what I want.”_

_“Hm? For dinner?”_

_“No, my daft alien. In bed.” Lena affectionately rubbed her cheek against the Kryptonian’s shoulder._

_They were walking along the water, sun high enough that the sky was a perfect blue but low enough that Kara’s stomach would be making its entrance soon._

_“You know how we can get so close but then the fear comes and I ask to stop?”_

_“Yeah?”_

_“Well, next time, I don’t want you to stop.”_

_Kara froze. No no no, this was not the direction she wanted this to go. That felt too much like Lionel’s office and Kara could feel bile start to rise in her throat. She started walking again._

_“You mean,” Kara really hoped she was wrong, “you want me to… ignore you?”_

_“I do. I love you Kara. In my head, and my heart, I want this. I know I do. But in the moment, it feels like something else takes over my body, and holds me back from this experience I really want with you. It’s this past Lena that … that I know doesn’t fit in my life anymore, but her logic lingers. I need you to get me past it.”_

_“Lena, No.” The blonde had stopped in her tracks again, arm taut in front of her where Lena had kept walking, hand in hand. The brunette turned around slowly, a familiar look of deeper knowing on her face. It was the same face she wore every time she did something rash and sacrificial to stop Cadmus’ plot of the season, and Kara hated it. It was guaranteed to put her favorite breakable human at risk. (Sure, maybe it had all worked out those times, but that didn’t mean Kara had to like it!)_

_“NO. I won’t. I won’t listen to you say stop and ignore it.”_

_Lena smiled sadly._

_“Even if I want you to?”_

_Kara could feel the heat and bile continue to rise. A darkness twisted her insides._

_“Is this… a - a rape fantasy or something? Like a… fix-it with someone you trust or -?”_

_Lena dropped her hand, and Kara gulped because that beautiful face definitely read as angry now._

_“No, Kara, it’s not a_ rape _fantasy.” Her voice was steel. “ And by the way, even if someone wanted that, if that was part of their sexual desires with someone they loved and trusted, would you think it was as disgusting as your face is saying right now? Jesus, Kara.”_

_This wasn’t going how Lena imagined. Her ball-of-sunshine had a kicked puppy look, all confusion and hurt, and Lena was feeling angry at — at what? She didn’t even know. But dammit, Kara wasn’t a puppy! She was a mature adult woman, and she should —_

_This was all too much. She tried to take a deep breath._

_“No, it’s the_ opposite _, Kara. It's the opposite because I want this. I’ve thought about it over the last week. I really have.”_

_She caged her prowling anger, choosing instead to settle her shaky hands on hips she’s shed of blue fabric and kissed a hundred times._

_“Kara, when I look at your body, every part of it thrills me. I want to do the same. I want to give you every part of me. And in that moment, yes, fine, my body is screaming that this will ruin everything._

_But if love is ruin, then it’s already over, Kara! Because whether or not I give you my body, my heart is gone. I LOVE you. And the whole world can know if it wants! Because even if everything in me is screaming, you are still the only person that makes me feel safe. That makes me want to wade through that fear to see what’s on the other side. So fuck Lillian. Because whatever it is over there … it’s worth it if I’m with you.” She held Kara’s dangling hand to her cheek, trying to capture that easy affection from just moments earlier. Trying to get the girl to understand what she meant._

_“Don’t you see? I’m not asking you to take something. I want to_ give _it Kara. I just … I don’t know how. And this is the only way I can think of.”_

 _Kara still looked sick. Lena was losing this and she could see it. She grew frantic. “I don’t mean it, when I say no. Or, I mean, I_ do _, but it’s like I’m talking more to me than you. Telling myself not to risk loving you.”_

_“Kara, this goes against everything I’ve ever been taught. Everything I’ve ever lived!” She was ranting now, and passersby were staring in concern. “But I want to.” She tried to lower her voice. “And I need you to help me. To be stronger than me.” Both hands were on Kara’s cheeks now but the blue eyes were fixed somewhere around their knees. This wasn’t working._

_“I can’t do this on my own and I’m asking for your help, Kara. Please. Consider it.”_

_And with a desperate but, oh, so tender look, Lena left one firm kiss on Kara’s lips and walked away._

_“I’ll get a cab. You take some time.”_

_On the outskirts of the city a minute later, Nakeeyah Johnson stared out the window from her bunkbed, wide-eyed at Supergirl throwing up in the bushes._

  


Lucy’s eyes were huge but she nodded. “Hm.”

“Hm?” came a groan from the other end of the table.

“Yeah, Kara, Hm. It’s. Well, it’s something. I see why you’re conflicted.”

Kara sighed, mashing the tines of her fork into the congealed top of what was no longer a recognizable sticky bun.

“Correct me if I’m wrong,” Lucy ventured. “Lena is asking you to do something that to you sounds like force, but to her sounds like … I don’t know, coaching, sort of, through her fear?”

“I guess.” Kara was slumped now, head tilted over the back of her chair and eyes close to burning a whole in the ceiling. 

“And this happened yesterday?” A nod. “Tell me what you’re feeling.”

Kara’s face wilted, fixed on the tile above. “I feel … scared. Scared that I’ll lose her either way. Because if I don’t do it, I’m not trusting her. I’m saying that what she wants isn’t good, and that I don’t trust her to mean what she says. And she’ll just keep wanting it, and I’ll keep rejecting her and eventually that’s going to take its toll on us.” Lucy watched fists slowly clench around the edge of the table, indents splintering the wood.

“But if I _do_ it. Rao, Lucy, that scares me even more. Because what if I … do what she says and I … push her, and it takes Lena right back to that place! And then to her I’m just another,” her eyes clenched shut, “abuser in a long line of people she thought loved her. I can’t be that to her. I can’t be the next person to hurt her.”

Lucy considered. 

“Is it possible,” a blonde head tilted to attention, “that maybe this is less about what could hurt Lena” — and this Lucy said with great hesitation, flashing back to the beast from earlier — “and a little more about what could hurt you?” 

More splinters. “Wait, what, it’s —” 

“I know you don’t want to hurt Lena. I believe that. I do. And that you’re trying to figure out the best way to love her in this. But you guys have spent all this time talking about Lena’s fears and Lena’s hangups. Have you ever taken the chance to talk about yours?”

The hands stayed clutched, but there were no splinters for the moment.

“Ok. I’ll bite. What’s my fear?”

“To look into someone’s eyes and find they see you as a monster.” Blue eyes flashed in fear, remembering a hint of red. OH-k then — Lucy grabbed a hand to preserve Noonan’s from needing to purchase a new table. 

“… I’m not a psychologist and I’m not your closest friend. I know that. But I’ve also seen you in a lot of tough situations Kara, and you have a pattern of choices, a fixation even on making Supergirl … safe. Palatable to human’s egos. I’ve seen people praise it as righteousness — call your actions the mark of a higher morality. But I’m not so sure that’s true. I don’t think you make those choices because you’re a god. I think you make those choices because you’re scared.” Kara looked like she was majorly struggling with her fight or flight complex right now, and Lucy felt her throat pulse a little. But there was also a paralyzing curiosity.

“Ok, a work specific example: your no kill policy. It’s not that I think it’s wrong, necessarily. But it makes no sense. Alex has killed many times and you’ve never condemned her for it. She killed to save J’onn!”

Ice. “I’m _highly_ aware of that Lucy, lest we forget who it was.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I’m not trying to poke at old wounds. But that’s the point. You forgave her. And at the end of the day, you chose to love her for who she was, not what she did. Because she did it out of _who_ she was. She didn’t kill because she hated your aunt. She killed because she _loved_ J’onn. And if there was any offense in that, it was worth forgiving, right? Because you know Alex.” 

Lucy pulled the Kryptonian’s hand closer, grasping it with both of hers. “Isn’t it possible for people to see you the same? Not by your actions themselves, but by your heart behind them?”

Kara opened her mouth and —

“No - Kara, see, I know what you’re going to say. I know that the RedK was … extreme. And it was horrible. I know that it brought out the worst parts of you. Your worst thoughts. And I know that you really hurt some people you care about. But Kara, doesn’t that just prove the point? All of that anger is inside of you and yet every day, you choose to be kind to people instead! You choose to trust them. The RedK didn’t expose your weakness, Kara. It show-cased your _strength_.”

“I don’t understand what you’re saying,” Kara croaked. 

“That kryptonite, just for a moment, it showed us that you weren’t a god — you didn’t have a higher morality. Instead, you were just as conflicted as us on the inside. But unlike us, every day, you have the power to ruin this world and never get a scratch for it.Kara, your greatest strength is your heart; even with all your power, you choose good! But every strength has a _shadow_. I think yours is that you looked at your power, you looked at how intimidated people were by it, and you learned to hate yourself for being Kara Zor-El.”

“Isn’t that a little extreme Lucy?”

“Kara, you spent _years_ fetching coffee for a woman who pretended not to know your name. You work as a reporter, which, if you really love it, fine. But Christ, the paycheck can’t even _feed_ you! Did you know the DEO gives Alex a stipend to supplement your diet, just because you — just — it doesn’t even matter. It’s not about that. It’s about you. I know about the education on Krypton. I know that you could be an expert in any field of science you wanted. Mathematics. Art. Music. Linguistics. Pretty much other than history, you could choose any field and change the world.”

“…So?”

“So why aren’t you?”

Kara sat back and folded her arms. “I like my life Lucy.”

“But _why_?”

“I like the chance to be normal!”

“See, _there_. Kara.” Lucy slammed both arms on the table, one handing pointing out aggressively, even as her voice grew soft. “You hate yourself. You hate what you are. Because, Kara, being a reporter doesn’t make **you** normal. Fetching coffee doesn’t make **you** normal. You know why? Because normal isn’t a _standard_. Being normal is looking at who you are, who you are made to be, and making a life from that. You think hiding in Catco makes you normal, but it doesn’t. It makes you a coward.”

Kara mirrored Lucy, both elbows landing on the table as the bolts let loose a groan. “That’s not fair, Lucy! Clark —“

“Clark may have superpowers but he’s a human Kara, and you know it. Just a strong human. He doesn’t remember Krypton. He wasn’t raised in your culture. He doesn’t know the incredible things you know. He was raised in fucking Kansas! He was taught to see what humans see! For him, being a reporter _is_ being himself. He took things like his vision and his superhearing and his cleverness and found a way to put it to work exposing evil. And that’s beautiful because that’s what Clark loves. What makes him feel like he is fulfilling who he was made to be. To him, Superman is the disguise, not Clark Kent.”

“But you. You wear Kara Danvers like a mask. You could be so much _more_ , Kara…”

Kara was still leaning forward, fidgeting in her seat.

“…and secretly, I think you want to be. Because how could you really love this? How could you feel accomplished in arranging meetings for fashion layouts when you could snap your fingers and transform nanotechnology? Or immunology? Or clean energy?”

“Look at Lena. She’s brilliant right? She’s already invented things that have transformed medicine, agriculture, space travel. Would you want Lena to change her name and work as a barista, just so she could feel ‘normal’ for once?”

Kara pouted. “I would if that’s what she wanted.”

“See, you’re lying. What you would want is for her to be the awesome woman that she is, the world-shaker that she is, and to realize that that is _her_ normal and that makes it beautiful. Her IQ might not be average, but the only ab _normal_ thing about it would be for her to hide and live as less than she is. Lena is a genius who feels fulfilled when she tackles the issues of the universe, and she gets the pleasure of doing that every day. Living as anything less is what wouldn’t be normal.”

“What does this have to do with anything, Lucy.”

Lucy sighed. “You’re not average, Kara. You’re not 5 foot 5, you don’t have an IQ of 100, and you’re not even human. But you are Kryptonian. You are brilliant. You are powerful. The Lillians may point and call you a monster, but anyone with a brain can see that, thankfully for the earth, you are loving.”

“And?”

“And you need to stop being scared of that. You said that what’s happening when you two have sex is about more than just that. It’s about what Lena believes. I think it’s also true about you. I know you’ve been stopping because Lena’s asked you to. But I also wonder if it’s because you’re scared to show her yourself. To let go and take off the mask.”

Lucy tried a little more gently. 

“Lena isn’t asking you to be a human to her. She’s asking you to be confident, and she’s asking you to be steel, and she’s asking for you to love her through it. She may even be asking you to do something that the world would label inhuman. Meek Kara Danvers in her cardigans certainly would. But maybe — for Kara _Zor-El_ and Lena — it’s just a step towards something good. Maybe, just for right now, Lena needs it to be your’s and her normal.”

“I realize this feels like a huge risk. But look at your options, Kara. You only allowed yourself two. Isn’t there one more?”

The slightest tilt of a head. 

“In both scenarios you lost her because in both scenarios, you stripped her of her power. One, emotionally, and the other physically. But there _is_ another road here. You choose to trust her: that she knows herself, first of all. And secondly, that she trusts _you_ to do this for her. Choose to trust that for her, it’s not about what you’re doing — it’s about why you are.”

Lucy could tell they were at the end of this and she grabbed a tense hand one more time.

“You’ve already taught her how to love, Kara. She’s grown so much, we can all see it. Now you and you alone have the chance to teach her to _receive_ it.” 

The whole world seemed to pause, ceasing it’s bombardment of inhuman eardrums to let this through.

“You’ve got to make a choice, Kara. A guarantee of losing Lena as Kara Danvers — or — the chance of gaining her … but as Kara Zor-El.” 

Instantly, the pressure on Lucy’s hand was gone. 

The table was empty in front of her save one lone fork, shivering upright in a ruined pastry. 

  


_Breaking news update: Major Lucy Lane with a crash and burn in fight for friend-of-the-year award_

This was above her pay grade. Lucy got out her phone.

  


_Lucy, Alex, and Maggie sat around the island in Alex’s apartment, a beer each in hand._

_“You did the right thing, Lane.”_

_“It doesn’t feel like it.”_

_“Babe … do you think Kara will come back?”_

_Alex frowned, popped the head off another Yuengling._

_“Honestly, I really don’t know. I mean, eventually, yeah. But I’m not sure who she’ll come back as.”_

_Lucy’s head dropped onto her hands._

_“…Fuck.”_

  


  


  


  


  


  


ACT SIX

Kara did come back, after a few days. 

A few days spent pacing the Fortress of Solitude after asking J’onn to cover a while. (“Everything ok?” A few minutes without answer, he texted again. “Ok.”) 

A few days of Lena going to work like normal, pretending she was fine. (“No really, Alex, I’m great, no need to drop by,” just to sit numbly at her desk between meetings.) 

A few days of Lucy’s texts. (“Get back here, Kara, this is the opposite of what I meant by making a choice!”)

A few days of Maggie just happening to show up at every bar or diner Lena hid in. (“Alex will be fine, Lena. I’m right where I want to be.”)

A few days of everyone waiting.

Then Kara had made her decision. 

  


  


  


  


  


  


ACT SEVEN

An alien landed lightly on the moonlit floor. She loved this bay window. It was tall and wide and opened with plenty of space for her to fit through without contortions. You would be surprised how many windows in National City couldn’t say the same — she really needed to convince Alex to get a balcony already. 

The same moonlight was drawing Kara to the bed, a blanketed figure huddled in the middle, facing the wall. She had thick dark hair, like a black waterfall in the night, and pajamas that hung off a shoulder washed milky in the weak glow. Kara gently lifted the blankets and pulled herself close, the scent of jasmine wafting from what she could now tell was slightly damp hair. She settled one arm over the sloped hip of her favorite person. 

“You left me again.”

“I know.”

“You said you wouldn’t.”

“That is the last time it will ever happen.”

“Promise?”

“I promise you. By Rao, I promise you.”

“… I missed you, love.”

Kara tucked her nose into her favorite place right behind Lena’s ear. It was so perfect for kissing, even with her damp mane slightly moistening Kara’s face. It was worth it.

“Go back to sleep, zrhueiao. My kruvuhz. I’ll be here when you wake.” 

A back pressed into the alien’s chest and hips, and the brunette drifted back into her dreams. 

The Kryptonian, however, prayed. All night, she pleaded with Rao, “May I never lose this precious one again. Teach me how to hold her. Teach me how to stay. Oh Rao, I bind myself to her in your name until we should both go into your light together. May we never be parted again, by sickness, nor war, nor anger, nor by my own fear. Rao, may it be so, and may it please you. You have given me such a gift. Thank you, thank you, nahkluv, nahkluv, nahkluv.” Like beads on a rosary, her thank yous passed through Rao’s fingertips in the night, until finally, he stepped aside for the yellow sun’s kisses to enter, tipping their way through that same bay window. Another star would carry their story forward now. Rao’s final daughter finally had a home, and he was content to leave them with his blessing till the day he would meet them again to make his people complete. One rejected daughter of the earth in exchange for its one adopted son whom Rao knew would never feel truly at home in his light. It was better this way. 

Back in the wakening apartment, every ray unfolding itself onto that human body was like the unfolding of a miracle and Kara Zor-El promised the light: she would bear a witness to that miracle every day for the rest of her life. 

  


  


  


  


  


  


  


ACT EIGHT - FINALE

  


They started slowly this time. Instead of feverish, their kisses were honey, dripping down skin, into the crooks of elbows, the hollows at the base of their palms. They were sticky with it, and overcome. Clothes were taken off slowly too, lips tracing each removal’s path. Each rib. The outer curve of a thigh. An alien tongue traced every bump of the human spine, memorizing each valley. That human then discovered the different ankle bones of Kryptonians and distracted herself with the idea of cataloguing alien anatomies for distribution among medical facilities. Laughing as she brought the brunette back up to her lips, Kara said they’d have plenty of time for that later, there was different anatomy she was interested in right now, and it started with the blush steadily covering her human’s chest. 

For the first time, a black lacy bra came off completely and Kara promised to one day acquaintance herself as closely with these breasts as Lena had with hers ( _“Remember?”_ but only gasping moans answered Kara’s once again occupied lips). She tongued hotly at the underside of one nipple, bottom lip still dragging up the curve below as Lena gaped down in wonder. A hand reached up to the twin, grasped the straining nub tightly between the second and third finger as the greater hand marveled at the fullness of Lena’s breast. She couldn’t stand it, back arched in pleasure, and green eyes rolled under eyelids playing filmstrips of fireworks on loop. She felt instead; the teeth now grazing the subtle indent up her abdomen. A tongue swirling around and just barely into her navel. A bite, just this side of pain, above the elastic as fingers slipped beneath the band on either side of her hips. Lena felt the dark anxiety rising, that fear of losing course through her veins. She opened her mouth to say wait but Kara had already anticipated it, returning north to seal her mouth around Lena’s own. A breathless kiss and then those same teasing teeth on the shell of her ear, dragging down hotly to the center. 

“Let me do this, Lena. I’ve got you.” A tug around the piercing on her tragus. “You’re ok.” 

The remaining hand was arched over her stomach and it began to pull down the elastic from her left hip. 

Lena’s eyes flicked to Kara’s. Blue eyes that looked so gently as Kara whispered, close enough that her lips glanced over the brunette’s: “Bend your legs up.” Staring into that ocean the whole time, Lena obeyed. Knees lofted, allowing the blonde to drag the scrap of fabric (drenched, Lena noted with a vague sort of awareness) blindly down the maze of her body: thighs, knees, calves, a long finger taking the chance to drag over an ankle so electrically, Lena almost missed the final slipping of panties over her pointed toes. Kara tossed them over the end of the bed without so much as a look — brought her hands back to either side of Lena’s face. 

“How are you feeling?”

“I — I’m scared Kara.” Kara smoothed her thumb over an eyebrow.

“Can you touch yourself for me? I’ll be here. But I want you to — to feel yourself. Tell me what you feel.”

Lena’s right hand pressed Kara’s to her cheek, but her left hand, her traitorous left hand began to sneak down her body. Hesitant yet inexorable. 

It paused when she felt wiry hair, trimmed short. Kara could see the panic. Kissed the tip of her nose. 

“Keep going, love, tell me—“ when had Kara started panting too? “Tell me,” a gulp, “what you feel, Lena.”

Her hand slid the extra few inches and Lena groaned, Kara’s hands tightening around her face in response. The alien’s eyes were big and, God, almost all of the blue was gone. Lena stared into them hopelessly, mouth hung open. Thumbs stroking her cheeks in a sort of fervor, Kara slowed her words down. “Tell me, Lena.” Where was Kara’s body? Why couldn’t she feel it? Was Kara — was Kara _floating over her?_

Her eyes rolled back again. “I’m so wet, Kara. Jesus, I’m wet.” Kara licked hotly into her panting open mouth and Lena felt she could pass out from it all; the heat, the tremor in her spine, the wetness she was stroking with just the pads of two fingers. Sticky. 

“Bring it here.” Lena opened her eyes in confusion. A body floated carefully back on top of her, pressure at the final release. Kara’s eyes demanded attention — “Bring. It. To. Me.”

Oh. 

The whole world had shrunk into the eyes of a demanding Kryptonian and she couldn’t look away. So, she did it. She brought her fingers up, hovering to the side of their almost joined lips. They were glistening. After the longest moment, her pants still falling and melding with Lena’s own, Kara looked over. Lifted her own hand to gently ( _like a bird, Rao, Lena was so fragile and Kara was drunk with it_ ) draw Lena’s to her mouth. Kara’s eyes closed the moment her mouth did, hot and close around Lena’s fingers and the brunette swallowed hard at the feeling of Kara’s tongue tracing the underside of the two — wait, she was _sucking_ and Lena groaned helplessly as Kara laved over every whorl of her fingertips, finally pulling off with a slight pop. And was she—? She was! Kara was sealing her lips around Lena’s and the smaller woman could taste the faintest hint of — 

_Fuck_. _Fuck that was hot._

Blue eyes opened in a daze. 

“Lena, I want — I need to taste you again.” Kara dragged Lena’s lower lip out with her teeth, slowly. Then soothed it with a suck. “I can’t — I want you to be ready. I’m going to eat you out ( _fuck fuck fuck that’s hot_ ) and you can—“ the blonde paused. Took one sharp breath. “You can say stop if you want, but I’m going to keep going unless you push me away, ok?” At that, Kara took up both of Lena’s hands and nestled them in the pillow above her dark head. “You can say no, but unless these hands push me away, I’m staying, because I need you Lena.” Another lick traced the roof of her mouth with a reminder of the flavor it carried. _“And I think we can both taste that you need me too.”_

With one last lingering kiss on her lips, the blonde mane began to drag down her stomach, her hips, long tendrils brushing her knees, then flicked behind the Kryptonian’s shoulder. Unyielding hands pushed her knees to either side and Lena was wide open to her gaze. Kara’s eyes flicked up, at Lena’s hands, watching them twitch above her head. Nodded briefly to herself at the sight. Then she was moving forwards, palms dragging up pale thighs until they settled on the line marking the start of Lena’s pelvis, thumbs pressed below the cord of muscle straining in her thighs there. She took a deep breath and Lena panted from above. 

“Kara, I — I don’t —” 

“Shh.”

Another deep breath, and it made Lena moan. She could feel the exhalation on her, on the heat of her, and she swallowed. 

“Can we slow—“

“Shh.” 

Lena’s hands came down to her sides, vaulting her shoulders up so she could speak face-to-face with the staring Kr— right then a tongue swiped up her entrance, and Lena slumped against the bed. Her hands were in her hair now (when did they get there?) and Lena pulled tightly, the pressure like shocks on her scalp as _another swi_ — she moaned as the tongue managed to reach her clit this time. She tried to close her legs but Kara’s hands were as immovable as steel, keeping them spread on either side. She could hear Kryptonian mutters from below the bobbing blonde head, interspersed between what was now a series of tiny flicks, over every part of her, every glistening inch, and Lena clenched hard around nothing.

“Kara?”

“Mmm?” 

A deeper stroke this time, a tongue firmly meeting the edge of her passage and Lena cried out, clenched again. 

“I,” she panted, “— I love you.” 

And like that, it was as if the Kryptonian was unleashed, shoulders replacing hands as those crept under her thighs, then wrapped around them as Lena felt her body being dragged to the bottom edge of the bed. Thighs now rested only on broad shoulders, her heels digging into a firm back, because God, that tongue, it was everywhere, _everywhere_ and Kara was making these soft little noises and Lena thought that this might be it, this was when she ended because that feeling, and that tongue, and that —

She cried out again, and Kara muffled out her own groans, nose pressed to Lena’s clit as her mouth went as deep as she could possibly manage. Then her mouth was where her nose was and she was _sucking_ again and Lena thought she might have been screaming, and now her hands were on Kara, clenched in her hair, but they weren’t pushing, they were _pulling_ as Lena’s back curled up from the bed and tried to get the woman deeper, closer, anything. 

Lena was twitching, hunched over Kara’s still moving head between her legs. Her body clenched on nothing, then something, but the something felt like everything, and a flood of wetness erupted from where that tongue was pressing once again. Kara was moving with it, lapping and drinking, and Lena let out little shudders as she twisted her hands even deeper into the honeyed mane. A few heartbeats later, unable to take it anymore, she pulled the girl a fraction away from her, both of them panting. Lena’s eyes squeezed shut as her thighs heaved on the shoulders under them with each keening gasp.

Lazily, she found the world coming into focus again, like waking from a deep sleep. And there was her girl, her Kara, grinning up at her, face sticky with the mark of what had just happened. A kiss against her inner thigh and Lena shuddered again. Pulled that face up, knees over her shoulders and all, body folding in half so their lips could meet. Lena could taste it again, that musk — herself — now heavy on Kara’s lips and tongue. It was strange but she thought she might like it. Lena sucked on the blonde’s tongue a moment longer before releasing in an attempt to reacquaint herself with air. Hands carefully removed her knees from toned shoulders, and then somehow she was at the top of the bed again, stretched out but close to a lithe and long body, naked against her own. Blue eyes swept to green, and a nose brushed against hers. She could feel the gentle smile on Kara’s lips even if she couldn’t see it. Nudged her own nose back against the alien’s as her breathing finally seemed to slow. 

A quick kiss. A shy grin. “Are you —“ 

“Yes. God yes, Kara that was — It was,” her face scrunched up in what could quickly become tears, so Lena just returned to her favorite place, face pressed into the long neck under Kara’s chin, as Kara chuckled; twisted a bit to kiss the dark hair before returning. 

Muffled: “Are _you_ —“

“Lena, I don’t know if I have ever felt happier in my life than this moment, right now.”

Lena wrapped her arms a bit tighter around the Kryptonian and sighed happily into the depths of her hair. 

… “And you’re not leaving?”

“Lena, I am yours now. I could never —“ another kiss. A breath. “No Lena. I’m not leaving. I’m with you. I’m for you. Forever.”

Lena hummed happily, felt the solid pressure of arms at her back, and like a lock releasing after many years, rust and all, she felt her body settle into something new. An openness, and a freedom she never thought was possible for a Luthor. 

“Me too, Kara. I’m yours.” She pressed one more kiss reverently to a neck that was thrumming in a strong and thrilled pulse. Lena spoke it into being one more time; like a miracle, like a prayer, like the first blossom after a long winter. Like Rao’s light.

“I’m yours.”

  


  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for going on this wild ride with me! I hope it left you hopeful and not traumatized. 
> 
> Drop a line with your thoughts or feelings or recommendations. This is my first fic, and I'll be transparent enough to say that positive feedback would probably impact my likelihood to write more haha! #Imonlyhuman #affirmationismysustenance


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